Let a day be

Sometimes I wake with no will for anything but rest. On a day like this, I feel like an unbuttered, damp matzo. I don’t care for my ambitions, I don’t see my purpose, I don’t want anything in particular, except for everything to be more or less alright with us.
I haven’t been feeling very well the last few weeks. I set myself up for difficult challenges in the new year, then I went and had a little accident in pursuit of adventure. After a broken bone and surgery I’m learning more new things about more different states of being. First week of work comes around and I’m left running the ship alone. Three days in and I pick up the biggest fever of my life. There were a couple of moments when I thought I might die, and that was fine with me, not like you have much choice in that moment. Some kind of flu got a hold of me, and now, a few weeks later, I’m still slightly under the weather.

There’s a flash, and thunder shakes the ground under my feet… heavy weather. I love this kind of storm. I don’t remember the thunder ever being this heavy. I’ve spent the whole day mostly idle, pondering my greatest burdens with a certain indifferent despondence. Almost refreshing, grateful I’m not drowning in concern, although I do hope to feel better soonish. The rain comes to lift my spirit, hanging low like a thirsty plant, sun beaten. I thought it prudent to make things a little harder for myself, and here life comes, stacking it up yet a little further. It’s not worth going into it all, but I guess my body isn’t handling it very well. I’m always thinking it could be worse, so I’m not always sure when to take it easy. I see war coming. I see death and destruction. How do you take it easy when hell arrives? None of this is really particularly difficult yet, I’m just learning stuff, and learning should be uncomfortable.
Anyway, I think it is just a bit of bad timing. The gods better be having a laugh at all this silly struggling we do down here.

I don’t consider myself worthy or qualified to pontificate on the will or way of God. I don’t know what God is and I’m only vaguely apprehending a certain balance in our existence that may or may not be attributable to the presence of anything approximating a God, despite all the many people I’ve read and heard speaking of a god with comical certainty. All I know is that on a day like today, I am glad to have a human near me, glad to have made it through another week in this body of mine. I’m glad my decay is slow enough to derive something meaningful from all the displeasure. The good bits speak for themselves. Although sometimes it seems necessary to let someone know how good they make you feel, because they might need to know that for important reasons.

The rain is gone.
The neighbor’s dog is barking again.
I’m feeling more like a buttered matzo now, but I’ll refrain from thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow holds burden’s my body has a hard time with, and I’d like to save stress for matters that actually require it.