To Sit On A Roof

-another beer-
I went for a run, it helps with the misery.
There aren’t any mountains nearby, so the demons are stirring.
It’s the 27th year now. Don’t know how I feel about that. Still alone. Some people say we’re fine, we’re still young. Doesn’t look that way when you’re barely fending off the reaper every week.
I’m still trying to reach out. It doesn’t get any easier. The last attempt, well, it kind of went like that unsinkable ship that hit an iceberg.
It began when I barely had a grasp of time. Then I already knew I didn’t have enough. Came closer to believing I might since. But it only seems to be slipping further away. It’s no use being anxious about it. Doesn’t help those around you enjoy their time any better.
Some things I keep screwing up the same. I know how not to, its just, as if the version of me who doesn’t screw up doesn’t live here. This could be true life, fiction, what’s the difference. We imagine things, we do them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. There are things you can make work, and then there are things someone else just won’t allow. Damage, fear, whatever the reason, doesn’t make it any less disappointing. I know what disappointment is. I am one in many ways. Some people never get to feel that because they never set themselves up against the odds. They are fair with themselves.
Never let yourself get infected with any notion of perfection or any pursuit that seems lost to all conventional reason. It will fuck you up, even if you achieve it. If it doesn’t fuck you up it’ll fuck someone up nearby.
-another beer-
Some of us end up liking it. We’ve always been fucked up in some way! Now that we’re grown up we get to choose our poison. It’s almost luck if you choose well.
Look, you can’t just have things your way. Nine times out of ten you’ll just have to swallow the pill. But that’s the weird thing! One of the ten times it’s your turn, so you can’t just stop taking chances! At the risk of seeming senile you pick your shit up and keep trying to climb that wall. That fucking wall that’s been standing there laughing at you! The cement is falling out the gaps from all the shit you’ve thrown at it but it stays standing the stubborn son of a bitch.
The funny thing is, things aren’t suddenly brighter on the other side of that wall. There’s another wall. If you’re the short little shit that never got good at scaling walls you’re in for something! Oh man! And you better hope to god or whatever that you’re not too much of an “artist” or eccentric to want the simple way over. Because believe me there are some simple ways. But you know that horses and courses expression.
Anyway. If you have friends, thank them. Just be thankful! When you feel that urge to express gratitude, do it! There are much better things to keep to yourself. Like when you get upset. Let them know, but then shut the fuck up because you will say something stupid and you’ll probably break something also. Good thing is if you did your thanking you get away with breaking a couple things before having to answer for it. You’ll still feel shit about it. You should! You broke shit, are you kidding me! But forgiveness! Oh lord sweet forgiveness. Let’s be real. No use in forgiving if it just keeps happening without a change in tack, you know. Fuck that! Change for god sake!
Thing is, when you’re someone like me you have to keep forgiving. You’ve got no moral high ground. The amount of things you’ve been forgiven for is starting to look real shitty and that my friends, can only be glossed over so much. Ye let it go cus tomorrow you’ll need that favour.
What am I saying? I find myself on the roof now and then. If it isn’t for the hopes of getting a lightning strike, it’s for the view. The sun shines a little longer up there. Just a little. Sometimes just a little is all you need. I’m like a cockroach. I’ll be spending my life preparing for all sorts of deathly fates just because I can’t stop them from popping up in my imagination with excruciating vividness, and I’ll probably have to watch it all happen to everyone but me. Maybe I’ll end up dying in my sleep like it’s just a dream I don’t wake up from. What a joke. I’ve got reactions prepared for everything from a house fire to a plane crash. I’ve walked through a thousand different ways to do it myself if life doesn’t want to. But come on! At least make it a challenge! Nothing makes you as OK with being alive as having just nearly died. Haha! Oh man the sweet taste of shit-yourself panic. I guess that’s my poison. So much effort though. And the thing is you want it to be so that you’ll definitely die if it doesn’t work out. Sitting with broken bones and brain damage… Jesus I don’t want to be a vegetable. Whoever is out there, should it happen. Please pull the plug! Life really has limited sacredness, don’t fucking push it.
-more beer-
Oh well. I’m coming up on a thousand words. Best leave it at that, we’re all a bunch a lazy twits these days. Nicely trained. Just don’t have time and what not!
Delete your social media apps. You don’t need them. Also, smoke less. Or don’t, who gives a shit. Maybe you’re the lucky son of a bitch who gets to smoke til you’re 90 and choke on your own giggles. And wrinkles shminkels. You can’t run away from getting old and falling apart. It’s called senescence, google it. I know people who live healthier than your health books yet they’re so clumsy they fall over their own feet. I got news for you! Kale salad won’t help if you’re gonna break your neck getting up from the shitter!
I love kale salad by the way. Makes you feel good.
Anyway, before our 140 character brains burn out…
Have a good week. Or not! I’m not telling you what to do, jeez.